The Power of Pause

It's been nearly six months since I've set up the computer to write a blog. Not sure whether its been the last two years of pandemic living, my normal retreat in winter months or that my social anxiety hit a bit of a peak in which disappearance becomes the safety zone. Reflection tells me its probably a nice wee mix of all three. So as Spring is welcoming the fruit blossoms and new growth, so too am I venturing out again.

In Aotearoa New Zealand we have only just had all our restrictions lifted and boarders re-opened fully. At work all our 24 plus year olds are heading overseas on their OE's. We are beginning to hear a mix of accents in the streets. We are figuring out this new hybrid way of working, getting it wrong, re-adjusting and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Which can be bloody tiring!

Never having been a trend setter, Covid got me in August, having dodged it nicely until then and it kicked my butt. I spent three days horizontal with no desire to move. The pain in my body sending me to that place where you lose all interest in what is happening around you. I did, however, fully rest, so even when the pain subsided I spent another two days on the couch incentivised by avoiding long covid (if there is anyway we can influence that one!)

Winter always triggers hibernation for me. I think I must have been a bear in a previous life as all energy dissipates and blankets, couch and sleep become my predominate past times. I do love a good invigorating winter walk along the river or beach with the fresh crisp air, but these reduce to Sunday afternoons rather than daily occurrences.

The meditative motion of knitting results in garments for family members and several donations to the womens centre or maternity unit. Somehow the number of balls of yarn I have tucked away increase too, with my knitting never keeping up with the new purchases. I'm sure there are worse vices than accumulating balls of wool.

My social anxiety played havoc too. I have only clicked to this recently so still in early stages of figuring how to manage so I keep living, because we humans are social creatures and we need community to thrive. Which is the irony and curse of experiencing social anxiety. Every time there was a work function for instance I would develop stomach pains, or headaches, or both and end up pulling out at the last minute. These weren't made up, they were real, so I just thought I had really back luck with the timing of being unwell and work events.

Then there would be the times I would attend social events with friends, family and even work. If I could keep myself busy and occupied (had a role to play) I was fine. But if I ever found myself without that I would get the sudden urge to leave, and I would. Literally I would put the drink down and leave - one minutes laughing and enjoying conversation, the next having such an urge to escape there was no bloody way you could stop me. Minimal goodbyes (none at all if I thought I could get away with it).

I do have a "safety blanket" though. It comes in the form of a 5'8" bulk of a man who I have been with since I was 16. If I'm close to him I can get through, but even if he is at the same event and we end up in different rooms or groups that urge to leave creeps up. It's frekn horrible and somewhat shameful that at 46 years of age I can't properly operate in social situations. As a mother, I'm terrified that I am passing on bad habits, because our kids do what they see, not what they are told.

In May this year I had a wonderful time away with a group. My first "girls weekend". Loved it, awesome people and with plans on Friday and Saturday had plenty of laughs and great times. Then Saturday night hit and I began to feel unwell. I wondered if this was Covid and ended up leaving the weekend early Sunday morning. But within an hour of being home I felt fine and I realised my bloody social anxiety had struck again. Homesick at my age - cue eyerolls.

When I usually try and solve things I like to get to the solution, do it and then move on. This time it wouldn't quite work like that. This is a long game play and that's where the power of pause comes in. Now when I get that feeling to escape I try having one more of something. Whether it's a conversation with one more person, a dance to one more song, one more drink (and not necessarily one containing alcohol). Just that wee pause to provide a gap between the feeling and the action is making a difference.

And that's what the journey of life is about aye - making small positive differences and each day doing better than.

In kindness

Nadine xx